This past week, one of the hometown Hyphens emailed me and asked if I still wanted to "come home" for the Fourth Of July Town Parade (for those not in the US, 4th of July is Independence Day ..... as in 1776 we declared independence from Britain and is a HUUUUGE holiday filled with jillions of Chinese- made fireworks, I guess in celebration of the war that ensued following our declaration of independence--kind of like teenagers going to college and the mayhem that ensues when they reach their own FREEDOM!).
Since I left "home" in 1997, I have not been back for an Independence Day Parade. It's complicated, really. I come from a town of 1200 give or take and I grew up and was engaged to not one, but TWO, guys who continue to reside in the area. Each and every trip "home" to visit my parents is infused with all kinds of anxiety that I might inadvertently run into one of them.
I've learned through the grapevine that they both were married within the past year.
So now, I could run into one of them AND their thin, beautiful wives; neither of whom has carried and bared (bore???) two children!
I'll spare you the over analytical thoughts I've had as to why they may or may not have married 10 years after I married. Okay, no I won't.... either I ruined them and they're practically gay... or no woman could possibly ever measure up to me. I'm going with the second.
Either way... I'm headed, in one week, to a HUGE gathering of the townspeople--in celebration-- with my children. Without my husband.
Here is my to-do check list between now and then:
--lose 10 pounds
--get hair done (oh my gawd, you do NOT know how difficult it is to squeeze into your normal salon the week before 4th of July---but I cried and called back TWICE and begged them to squeeze me in with "whoever" could get me in and it worked. I'm highlighted and trimmed)
--lose 10 pounds
--find a CUTE outfit that screams "I totally just pulled this out of the old rag bin this morning and threw it on and these shoes? old crappy shoes I mow the lawn in....."
--bleach teeth
--lose 10 pounds
--get kids' hair cuts--or is the "long" look in for boys right now?
--wash car, so it doesn't scream "grocery go-getter" when I drive through town
--lose 10 pounds
--give self a pedicure with something super sparkly....hey, do I have sandals that scream "I'm RICH RICH RICH!!!!"?????
--run to Bath &Body shop for that delicious spray that fiance #2 loved so much and pay way too much because it's not on sale
--lose 10 pounds
--make a note to pack Bach's Rescue Remedy (thank you, Tiff, for that suggestion because I now buy it by the keg)
--pray to gawd this is one of those years it snows on the 4th of July in the mountains... so I can hide behind a hoodie and a rain poncho
--wonder if drinking a bottle of Pinot Noir while driving over a 14,000 foot mountain pass en route to said parade is safe and/or effective.
--wonder what.in.the.hell I was thinking agreeing to such nonsense when I'm already one mental breakdown away from the looneybin.
And you people wonder why my therapist is on speed dial!!! Because I have "issues" people. Issues.
Friday, June 26, 2009
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14 Witty Retorts:
Are you SURE you don't want to run away with me? 'Cause I'll take you just as you are.
I agree with LceeL! You da bomb they never could find another of and finally had to settle for second best of.
No worries! You probably won't even see them! Just cause, you know how it is... you always end up worrying about the wrong things... at least I do!
Ok, take a deep breath. Long hair is definitely hip with kids nowadays.
Definiely no woman could ever measure up to you. Don't even think about that.
The Pinot Noir thing, whilst desirable, is probably not safe.
Hang in there - you'll be ok because us internets love you.
Seeing you is going to put those guys over the edge...right into looney land..."How could I let her get away??????"
You are something else--and a good something it is!
If I were there, we'd hang and dish the entire night.
They'll all wish they were you . . . trust me, they will.
Ive just stumbled across your blog this morning and I want to thank you for a really good laugh while drinking my tea (black--still dont like milk in it after 19 years in the uk).
That whole going home thing is a NIGHTMARE! I went home last summer with my husband, my daughter and my husbands 4 kids. We stayed in a small resort near my parents house because there were so many of us. Guess who was also at the resort for a giant family reuinion for his parents' 50th anniv? An exboyfriend--the one everyone thought I would marry and yadda yadda. It was uncomfortable. I stood there staring at the back of his head while appraising my clothes, my body shape, my life. Did I look enviably successful? Well, no. But I didnt look bad. And most importantly, I looked happy.
If you go back looking happy with your life, people will be envious, they will know you're successful and doing well. It wont matter what shape you are, or what you do for a job, or how long the kids hair is! They will wonder what your secret is. Even if your secret is to just pretend you're happier than you are!! ;)
Have fun!! x
You're hilarious. Like the others I'm pretty sure the exes are going to be devastated by the fact that they didn't end up with you! Don't stress yourself!
You know, I never, ever thought I would have cause to say this: I wish you a mild case of dysentery. Ten pounds off like THAT.
Given the recent weather, I would keep the poncho handy.
And buy an extra big bottle of the body spray and use it the next time Flyboy is home . . . make him wonder.
(And how sweet is LceeL?! And you are SO the reason it took them 10 years to get married! Finding someone who could even come close to stacking up to you takes time!)
You are awesome. The awesomest! You have handled life and death issues. You have made the masses laugh and weep with joy and caused strangers to wish you lived in their town (me, totally me, totally wished you lived here). You are a woman of substance, strength and ingenious resiliency (still remember the cleaning the front door with the slightly-used tissue), who enjoys a fabulous sex life, has plenty of money, and is awed daily by her amazing children whom you totally prishy-hate. You will not talk about any of this. But you will mention, with your brilliantly white smile, how proud you are of your husband, your children, your clean and clutter-free home, how often you find great deals on everything, and you will mention how great it is to see them again, because you are an inspiring angel of gracious beauty who is a fountain of strength and kindness. People will gaze at the halo over your head and marvel at your flawless skin, your twinkling eyes, your kind words, your warm smile, your captivatingly cute children. They will wish you lived there still. Most especially, they will miss you when, once again, they are stuck there without you. They will keenly feel the lack of you when you're gone. Because you are the cool breeze on their sunburned faces. And they will be left wanting you.
(Oh, you totally have to tell the why-I-hate-weathermen story, too. Boing! Save that one for last, after everyone's had a few.)
You are going to wow them!
and I know they did not get married for 10 years, because no one could follow in your footsteps!!
Have fun over the 4th! There will be two guys in your hometown that will be kicking themselves!!!
2 ex-fiances? Wow woman you are good!
Hopefully you'll have a great time and wont have too much anxiety about it all.
You are HILARIOUS. I am in the SFV in Southern California and couldn't drive for the 4th because our freeways are a nightmare right now. You are brave to want to even see the two exes. My hubby would be spending the whole drive telling me that packing a meat cleaver for my exes is NOT cool, looking for the valium, and having MY therapist on HIS speed dial.
They don't have kids? Ok - they were probably drunk, then. In which case they didn't notice, right? Hawt.
I lke your issues.
I like you.
I'd go for the second option too.
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